Please stop using ‘toxic masculinity’

Photo Credit: Philip Rostron via Masterfile.com

Here we go — another man taking to the internet to write about a popular term that he doesn’t like. Very original and groundbreaking, indeed. But fake outrage, or even the straw man of incredulous, outraged readers that I have created out of thin air, aside, I actually do a have a deep problem with the term ‘toxic masculinity’ but not for the reason you might expect.

Before you continue, just know there are brief mentions of sexual violence, transphobia, and harassment.

If you plan to stop reading, make this sentence the last one: toxic masculinity is not productive because it doesn’t actually name what is toxic.

Sure, there are men that murder trans women and try to appeal to the ‘gay panic defense,’ tendencies towards emotional numbness because ‘boys don’t cry,’ defaults to violence during a disagreement, daily bouts of sexual harassment and so on, but these things are not just ‘toxic’ in a vacuum; they exist in relation to broader social arrangements. However, I am not doing any service to these relations by dancing around what they are. Those relations are best captured by patriarchy AKA male domination which pervades many aspects of our daily lives. Everyone who falls between the poles of femininity and masculinity or exist outside of them or maybe comes by for a spell every once in a while can unconsciously reinforce this system of domination whether they admit it or not. That in itself is not a problem but that also does not diminish the harm(s) that they perpetuate.

From clinging to the ‘purity’ of virginity while promoting the sexual agency of men and boys, to school uniforms that make young women ashamed of their ‘distracting’ bodies as they mature, to trying to ‘rescue’ sex workers from their professions, patriarchy varies in scale but all relevant actions are in service to masculine domination. What’s more, it is not just our grandfathers, fathers, uncles, brothers, and so on doing this. It is also our grandmothers, mothers, aunts, sisters and so on. It is also you.

See, I am not here to make an agnostic claim about patriarchy — that anyone can practice it and that somehow alleviates the impact of a system that is still very much male-centered. Nor am I tossing stones in a glass house atop a cute little redwood pedestal (although I am sure it would be pretty cute). Instead, I want to make an appeal to do away with ‘toxic masculinity’ in favor of the more accurate ‘patriarchal masculinity’ as it serves two purposes:

1. It actually names the broader social arrangements that influences popular expressions of masculinity (you can call them culture or institutions or whatever best reflects your understanding). When we say something is an example of toxic masculinity, we aren’t really saying anything because we have yet to name the toxin in the first place. Think about this way, are you satisfied with a toxicologist coming up to you and saying “yeah you ingested a poison” or do you actually want to know what the poison was? Cyanide? Wolfsbane? The fifteen day-old pizza at the back of the fridge that you thought was ‘good enough’ to still give a shot? How can you avoid and learn from this incident if all you know was that you were poisoned? I mean, where did the poison even come from? How can you prepare against it in the future if you don’t even know that much?
2. It helps us uncover the tools necessary to discuss, address, and discourage the traits that we deem ‘toxic,’ to better educate and encourage positive displays of masculinity that are life-affirming and generative for those that practice it and are in relation to them. Looking at the broader picture, all the masculine traits we want to root out are toxic because of their affiliation with patriarchy (I’ve already provided some examples above). We shouldn’t just strive for a nebulous, non-toxic masculinity, we should strive for a masculinity free of patriarchy. A benevolent patriarch remains self-assured in a non-toxic masculine discourse but quickly loses his footing in a non-patriarchal one. In the latter both the actions and the sense of hierarchy are broken down and disbanded. To borrow another example, a benevolent king can maintain his reign in a discourse of justice but heads might start to roll in a discourse on democracy.

To reiterate my main point, ‘toxic masculinity’ does not carry much weight when discussing the various forms of violence, domination, and hierarchy that are pervasive around the globe. It is inconsequential because it does not actually point us anywhere; we simply decry certain actions and try to carry on with our lives. Yet, these harms continue and we are still no closer to understanding their cause if we satisfy ourselves with calling certain traits and behaviors ‘toxic.’

So, practice naming the toxin —patriarchy — and bring out your handy-dandy chemistry kit to figure out how to neutralize it in your day-to-day lives and in your interactions with others. And for the love of all that is good and just in the world, please throw the rest of that pizza away already.